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General Musings

you can never go home again

I’ve been spending some time lately in looking back. This isn’t odd for me in any way – to the contrary, it is exceedingly typical. I suppose I do it, in part, as some sort of proof-to-self of growth. It helps me to realize that I am not, in fact, the same person I was a decade ago. Or five years before that. I have changed over time. Matured in ways.

But the parts of me that always feel a bit stuck are there as well. I realize now that some of these things are just fundamentally who I am. As a person who likes personality typing (thought not, I hope as someone who lives and dies by it), I can see that I have essentially always been an Enneagram One… who totally goes to Four in stress and Seven in growth. It’s a pattern I follow naturally and apparently always have.

 I wish I’d known about the Enneagram the whole time I was writing over at KMA. Might’ve saved myself some trouble had I realized how often I was writing from a Four place. 

Anyhow, the looking back has been instructive in the usual ways. There’s the part of me that wants to go back and shake Past Me until she got some sense and the part of me that wants to tell her it’ll be okay and she won’t have shitty jobs where she’s undervalued forever. I might also tell her to pay attention to blockchain when she first hears of it, because it turns out that could be a game-changer and it would be good to be ahead of the curve for once. 

It was also bittersweet, the looking back. There are so many people who used to be a daily or weekly part of my life and somewhere along the way I let it all slip through my fingers. While my days are populated with new people who thankfully have no notion of some what I was like ten to fifteen years ago, I can’t help but want to restore some of what I feel I have lost over time and through inaction. At the same time, I was often objectionable, so perhaps some of them wouldn’t want me back. 

Not much point to this overall and I am not going to extend it in an effort to find more purpose to it all. Just trying (as ever) to get back to some semblance of writing more. Otherwise, how will look back a year or two or three from now and know whether I’ve changed?   

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