Categories
General Musings

oneword365, 2020 edition

I would in no way be me if I didn’t kick off my questionable return to writing random shit on the internet that no one cares about if I didn’t take a moment to talk about my OneWord. Like, look back a post or two and then skip further back to the turning of the year before that you will see that this is indeed a thing. Probably the very thing that makes me think blogging is a good idea, like it’s still 2005 and no one has moved past this particular form of expression.

So my word for 2019 has been largely shrouded in mystery up to this point[1. I say, like there were hordes of people desperate to know.], but now I feel just peachy about admitting it was “mother” and that I totally spent most of 2019 thinking I was going to adopt a child until I realized in September that my mental health state still really sucks balls and bringing a child into that kind of situation seemed like a shitty thing to do to both me and the theoretical kid, even if it wasn’t the absolute worst fate I could imagine a kid having to deal with.

So much for 2019 and OneWord. Onward and upward to 2020. I wanted a word that was about doing things and being engaged but not giving fucks where they don’t need to be given and basically trying to live without letting fear drag me down because the whole story of my whole life for the past several years has been all about fear and how I can’t possibly experience new things from foods I have never tried before to breathing the air in a different city because, my god, that’ll probably kill me somehow.

So I picked the word ‘badass’ for 2020.

Not because I think I am one, kicky new asymmetrical haircut notwithstanding. Not even because I think I can be one, really, what with my pushing 40 and having an exceedingly proper job where I have to act my age and not swear freely and it’s part of my actual job responsibilities to tell other people how to set their career goals for the year like that makes any sense in any universe. At the end of the day and the week and the month and the year, I will probably still mostly be who I am now, but I’d like it to be a better version. A braver version. A kinder version even, because I still think loving people is a pretty hardcore thing to do and one I am still not very good at.

Assuming I can keep this thing going at all, I’ll report back on any badassery that may occur.

Categories
General Musings

obligatory ‘welcome back, self’ post

Please. Hold your applause. This is so embarrassing. Stop clapping.

I know I’ve been MIA since March of 2018 (no I didn’t, I had to go look). Some stuff has happened since then. I’ll get to the details later. Maybe. We’ll see.

For now, I’m backish. 2019 did not escape (in my timezone) without my saying something and thereby doubtlessly justifying whatever it is I pay to do the thing where I own this website or whatever. 2020 is upon us and I have a goal to write between 500-100 words a week.

Not a resolution, mind you. A goal. That I wrote down and failed to share with my friends and random semi-acquaintances when I was telling them shit like that I am learning Gàidhlig[1. Like some ridiculous poser or perhaps a deranged Outlander fan] and trying to say yes to things when my default answer is no. I also noted that I stopped really living my life after I graduated, but now that I am thinking (and writing) about it, I am pretty sure I really stopped living somewhere around the time I started going to school.

Genuinely. Other than a few things that have happened here and there, it’s really been all work work work and school school school and then more work work work for so long it’s a miracle that there are still people in this actual world who will still speak to me.

Anyway, I have a goal to write more. And as all the evidence would suggest, I am not the sort of person to take the trouble to write a thing down if no one else will ever see it. (Reference: prior blogs, Facebook, Twitter, this blog, and the whole work website I put together in the guise of trying to provide helpful information to a target audience but which is really a secret way for me to publicly and semi-professionally let some 3000 people know that I think they are largely inadequate at their jobs and it would sure be nice if they could benefit from all my vaunted wisdom).[2. Wow, I sound like a total dick.] Hence, my dubious return. I mean, let’s not get carried away. If the last few years have proven anything, it’s that my enthusiasm for this sort of endeavor flags easily and in direct proportion to my perennial realization that I really don’t have that many interesting things to say.

What I do have is some trauma to work through with regard to my family and how I am in denial that I could possibly be related to any of them. I also have a shit ton of rage for various personages at my workplace that might hearken back to those good old days when I waxed eloquent about wanting to beat my guildies with sticks sometimes because damn. I am also learning Gàidhlig, which might be exciting for exactly none of you and which I may have mentioned previously.

Stay tuned. Or don’t. I’ll write more later. Or won’t. But in the meantime, I hope everyone has a glorious start to 2020.