Categories
General Musings

you can never go home again

I’ve been spending some time lately in looking back. This isn’t odd for me in any way – to the contrary, it is exceedingly typical. I suppose I do it, in part, as some sort of proof-to-self of growth. It helps me to realize that I am not, in fact, the same person I was a decade ago. Or five years before that. I have changed over time. Matured in ways.

But the parts of me that always feel a bit stuck are there as well. I realize now that some of these things are just fundamentally who I am. As a person who likes personality typing (thought not, I hope as someone who lives and dies by it), I can see that I have essentially always been an Enneagram One… who totally goes to Four in stress and Seven in growth. It’s a pattern I follow naturally and apparently always have.

 I wish I’d known about the Enneagram the whole time I was writing over at KMA. Might’ve saved myself some trouble had I realized how often I was writing from a Four place. 

Anyhow, the looking back has been instructive in the usual ways. There’s the part of me that wants to go back and shake Past Me until she got some sense and the part of me that wants to tell her it’ll be okay and she won’t have shitty jobs where she’s undervalued forever. I might also tell her to pay attention to blockchain when she first hears of it, because it turns out that could be a game-changer and it would be good to be ahead of the curve for once. 

It was also bittersweet, the looking back. There are so many people who used to be a daily or weekly part of my life and somewhere along the way I let it all slip through my fingers. While my days are populated with new people who thankfully have no notion of some what I was like ten to fifteen years ago, I can’t help but want to restore some of what I feel I have lost over time and through inaction. At the same time, I was often objectionable, so perhaps some of them wouldn’t want me back. 

Not much point to this overall and I am not going to extend it in an effort to find more purpose to it all. Just trying (as ever) to get back to some semblance of writing more. Otherwise, how will look back a year or two or three from now and know whether I’ve changed?   

Categories
General Musings Home Improvement

stuff i did when i wasn’t here

  • Watched a stupid amount of stuff on Netflix and Prime. Like, so much stuff. I still haven’t watched all of the first season of Stranger Things, however; nor Game of Thrones. I have no plans to change that state of affairs any time soon. #poser
  • Graduated with a BS in Business Management. It took me just over 11 months to complete the 79 credit hours I needed. #braggart
  • Thought about starting an MS program. Subsequently failed to start a MS program. I think I may still be burnt out, although I seem to be making a recovery in recent weeks and wanting to go out and learn stuff on purpose. #tired
  • Got promoted. Twice. Which means I finally successfully tricked people into thinking I would be good at people leading. It’s been more than a year that I have been leading my teams, and they haven’t fired me, so I guess I have that going for me. #braggart #again
  • Went back to Scotland for two weeks. Visited Edinburgh, Glasgow, Islay (where we waved to Jura, but didn’t make the ferry across due to poor planning), Oban, Skye and then a few areas around Inverness before heading back to Edinburgh, the airport and home. Visited more distilleries on this trip than I can properly remember, enjoyed another gorgeous and meaningful day at my spiritual center of Neist Point, went to church in Inverness and met some amazing people both there and at Oban who spoke life to me. I still want to move there. We’re still working on it. #wistfulAF
  • Helped to build a deck. Not just a regular deck mind you. Someone recently referred to it in my hearing as the “Titanic of decks, except it won’t sink.” (only partly because we live in a desert) I got to play with a flame thrower and get a jump on my 2020 goal of doing scary things, like climbing shaky ladders and operating power tools on said shaky ladders[1. Probably, they were not really all that shaky, but I have never loved man-made heights. Or power tools.]. I will get to keep helping with this in 2020, since we still have so much to do but at least got the roof on before the snows started falling. #JustProudIGuess
  • Got a new kitten following the sad loss of Loki earlier in the year. He’s the sweetest and the cutest kitten I’ve ever met and we named him Heimdall. Thor is not a fan. Yet. #HeartEyes
  • Also went back a week later and got Heimdall’s brother. He is wary and watchful and a beautiful smokey grey. So we broke with our Marvel-themed naming tradition and called him Talisker. #MoarHeartEyes

  • Had countless lunches and dinners with friends and people I thought I might like to get to know better over table. I was not wrong. #Communion
  • Speaking of Communion, got to practice public speaking at my church a time or two. Monopolized the time to assert my deep belief that everyone is welcome at Jesus’ table because #LoveWins and #legalismsucks
  • Got to visit one of my friends after she moved to Southern California to get a job with Disney Animation and to tour her workplace! She is so smart and so damn gifted and I am pleased as all hell to get to cheer when I see her name go by on the credits in films (most recently, Frozen 2). #WomenInSTEM
  • Read several books. Would like to claim a lot, but I really did take a break from life for an extended period of time there, and am just working on getting back into it. I am doing my level-best to make up for lost time though. #literarynerd

Probably a lot of other minutia as well, but I think that is the highlight reel. What have you done recently that makes you excite or passionate?

Categories
General Musings

oneword365, 2020 edition

I would in no way be me if I didn’t kick off my questionable return to writing random shit on the internet that no one cares about if I didn’t take a moment to talk about my OneWord. Like, look back a post or two and then skip further back to the turning of the year before that you will see that this is indeed a thing. Probably the very thing that makes me think blogging is a good idea, like it’s still 2005 and no one has moved past this particular form of expression.

So my word for 2019 has been largely shrouded in mystery up to this point[1. I say, like there were hordes of people desperate to know.], but now I feel just peachy about admitting it was “mother” and that I totally spent most of 2019 thinking I was going to adopt a child until I realized in September that my mental health state still really sucks balls and bringing a child into that kind of situation seemed like a shitty thing to do to both me and the theoretical kid, even if it wasn’t the absolute worst fate I could imagine a kid having to deal with.

So much for 2019 and OneWord. Onward and upward to 2020. I wanted a word that was about doing things and being engaged but not giving fucks where they don’t need to be given and basically trying to live without letting fear drag me down because the whole story of my whole life for the past several years has been all about fear and how I can’t possibly experience new things from foods I have never tried before to breathing the air in a different city because, my god, that’ll probably kill me somehow.

So I picked the word ‘badass’ for 2020.

Not because I think I am one, kicky new asymmetrical haircut notwithstanding. Not even because I think I can be one, really, what with my pushing 40 and having an exceedingly proper job where I have to act my age and not swear freely and it’s part of my actual job responsibilities to tell other people how to set their career goals for the year like that makes any sense in any universe. At the end of the day and the week and the month and the year, I will probably still mostly be who I am now, but I’d like it to be a better version. A braver version. A kinder version even, because I still think loving people is a pretty hardcore thing to do and one I am still not very good at.

Assuming I can keep this thing going at all, I’ll report back on any badassery that may occur.

Categories
General Musings

obligatory ‘welcome back, self’ post

Please. Hold your applause. This is so embarrassing. Stop clapping.

I know I’ve been MIA since March of 2018 (no I didn’t, I had to go look). Some stuff has happened since then. I’ll get to the details later. Maybe. We’ll see.

For now, I’m backish. 2019 did not escape (in my timezone) without my saying something and thereby doubtlessly justifying whatever it is I pay to do the thing where I own this website or whatever. 2020 is upon us and I have a goal to write between 500-100 words a week.

Not a resolution, mind you. A goal. That I wrote down and failed to share with my friends and random semi-acquaintances when I was telling them shit like that I am learning GĂ idhlig[1. Like some ridiculous poser or perhaps a deranged Outlander fan] and trying to say yes to things when my default answer is no. I also noted that I stopped really living my life after I graduated, but now that I am thinking (and writing) about it, I am pretty sure I really stopped living somewhere around the time I started going to school.

Genuinely. Other than a few things that have happened here and there, it’s really been all work work work and school school school and then more work work work for so long it’s a miracle that there are still people in this actual world who will still speak to me.

Anyway, I have a goal to write more. And as all the evidence would suggest, I am not the sort of person to take the trouble to write a thing down if no one else will ever see it. (Reference: prior blogs, Facebook, Twitter, this blog, and the whole work website I put together in the guise of trying to provide helpful information to a target audience but which is really a secret way for me to publicly and semi-professionally let some 3000 people know that I think they are largely inadequate at their jobs and it would sure be nice if they could benefit from all my vaunted wisdom).[2. Wow, I sound like a total dick.] Hence, my dubious return. I mean, let’s not get carried away. If the last few years have proven anything, it’s that my enthusiasm for this sort of endeavor flags easily and in direct proportion to my perennial realization that I really don’t have that many interesting things to say.

What I do have is some trauma to work through with regard to my family and how I am in denial that I could possibly be related to any of them. I also have a shit ton of rage for various personages at my workplace that might hearken back to those good old days when I waxed eloquent about wanting to beat my guildies with sticks sometimes because damn. I am also learning GĂ idhlig, which might be exciting for exactly none of you and which I may have mentioned previously.

Stay tuned. Or don’t. I’ll write more later. Or won’t. But in the meantime, I hope everyone has a glorious start to 2020.